Polarized bears

Duh I shoulda brought a compass

In 2006 an Arctic scientist claimed he observed several drowned polar bears which ignited a firestorm among the global warming misfits. Now he is facing charges of scientific misconduct*, a euphemism for being a lying sack of shit. You may also remember the U.N. claimed the Himalayan glaciers would disappear by 2035**, another example of scientists talking out of their asses. Regardless of the alleged drowning incident one thing is sure, polar bear populations are either stable or rising. Between the blazing sun and reflective snow the only thing they need for survival is polarized sunglasses.

*http://news.yahoo.com/apnewsbreak-arctic-scientist-under-investigation-082217993.html
**http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2010/jan/20/himalayan-glaciers-melt-claims-false-ipcc

Ancient Aliens, and Modern Idiots



The History channel, probing for truth

There is a show on television called Ancient Aliens where scientists theorize that extraterrestrials visited our planet in the past. They believe that pyramid building, mathematical formulas, and massive excavations were a byproduct of alien intelligence and intervention. Interestingly they quote many of the bible's verses, especially where Elijah is taken up into heaven in a chariot of fire in 2 Kings 2:1 and say it describes a spaceship. These are the same morons who claim the bible is mythology and then quote it to bolster their theories! They believe an advanced race of super intelligent non-humans came to earth and helped create or influenced humans then left. Amazing since the bible claims a super intelligent non-human came to earth, created man, influenced him, and then left. Maybe I'll use their quotes to bolster my beliefs, but that wouldn't be scientific would it?

Give piece a chance

Give piece a chance

Islamic extremists in the U.K. have set up Shariah controlled zones*. These designated areas allow no drinking, no prostitution, no smoking, gambling, drugs, or porn. You will be allowed to perform female genital mutilation on your daughters, amputate the limbs of thieves, behead infidels, and stone adulterers. I guess it truly is a religion of piece. They remove parts of you piece by piece then they bury you under a pile of rocks. R.I.P.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2019547/Anjem-Choudary-Islamic-extremists-set-Sharia-law-zones-UK-cities.html

Putin out

Vladimir Putin has an army of young women willing to tear of their clothes off to show their support for his return to the presidency*. Big deal, so did Bill Clinton. Well maybe not an army, but at least Monica was Putin out.

*http://putinwatcher.blogspot.com/2011/07/army-of-young-russian-women-tearing-off.html

Summers eve at the beach

"Oh no they got a douche bag"

I remember hearing a while back that urine is a good antidote for cuts, burns, and bruises although anyone who has used it on their eyes or gums might disagree. Jellyfish stings have been a common occurence at beaches lately, and you may have considered peeing on it. Don't since it probably won't help*. Vinegar is a better alternative so if your girlfriend has a vaginal douche it will work fine. Just use it before she does.

*http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/07/22/7142878-urine-doesnt-ease-jellyfish-stings-after-all

Child obese

Director of Children's Services

We all know about child abuse, but now an article in JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association) has put forth the proposition that obese children should be put in foster care. That's right they will take away your child if you give them another twinkie. The nanny state is the epitome of the wicked stepmother who enjoys taking candy from a baby then taking the baby.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/la-heb-child-obesity-foster-care-20110714,0,7269965.story

I vant to suck your blood

Blood sucking politicians

California is being over run by diseased blood sucking animals*. No I'm not referring to the politicians who are draining the bank accounts of it's citizens, and killing jobs by raising taxes. I'm talking about rabid bats that are infecting humans at an alarming rate. You would think the government would do something about it, but bats are a protected species and can't be harmed in any way. The sheer lunacy of this state is without equal, and explains why it's bat brained representative Barbara Boxer said concerning humans who died of rabies "...those who died, their lives will never be the same again"**.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2017791/Californias-flying-horror-Surge-KILLER-bats-stalking-residents-animals.html
**Quote originally attributed to San Francisco earthquake vitims.

Blame whitey

Alleged Oslo terrorist**

The Dept. of Homeland Security has spent 10 million dollars creating a video called "See something, say something"*. The weird thing is that in every instance the terrorist is a whitey reported by either a Black, Asian, or Arab. I hate to admit it, but they might be right. That is if their job was to protect Norway.

*http://www.infowars.com/dhs-video-characterizes-white-americans-as-most-likely-terrorists/
**http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2017851/Norway-attacks-gunman-Anders-Behring-Breivik-right-wing-extremist-hated-Muslims.html

Rise of the Mankey

There is a new horror movie playing that is based on the The Planet of the Apes series. Coincidentally there was also a recent study on the dangers of mixing animal and human D.N.A*. Scientists have already combined a gene from a fish with a tomato enabling the fruit to survive cold temperatures. This new hybrid is called a troutato. Next they plan on taking the brain cells of a human and implanting it into a simian resulting in a mankey. Their ultimate goal is to be able to splice a human brain into a President in the year 2012. I know it's currently considered science fiction, but they have already genetically joined a jackass and a Vice President quite successfully.

Gimme food stamps or I'll shoot.

*http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/ap/eu_med_animal_human_experiments

The ferryman

You sure this is the Mystic Seaport?

Budget cuts in the state of Connecticut have resulted in the closing of the Rocky Hill Ferry. This ferry has been in service since 1655, and is the oldest in the nation. I guess after gold hit a record $1,600. an oz. people couldn't afford the coin for safe passage.

*http://connecticut.cbslocal.com/2011/07/15/governor-dannel-malloy-puts-nations-oldest-ferry-on-chopping-block-in-connecticut-budget-proposal/

Broke back mounting

Is that a stimulus package in your pants?

The U.S. is one broke ass butthole of a Republic, and the proof is in the pudding. Semen pudding to be exact. It seems our taxes funded a study on the penis size of gays, and how it relates to their sexual health. It researched the all too important question who was on top, who was on the bottom, and why? With our mounting fiscal crisis the only time we should be concerned about who is getting the long end of the stick is when it's the taxpayer.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/07/18/nih-backed-study-examined-effects-penis-size-in-gay-community/

Teat feet

A 22 year old woman discovered she has pseudomamma commonly known as an extra nipple. While unusual it is not rare, except when it is located on the sole of your foot. Dr. Scholl has created an orthotic for just such a condition. It will be the first to treat athleteats feet.

*http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3701059/History-made-as-nipple-is-found-on-foot.html

Puss n boots

Cash strapped local governments have been considering a number of new taxes. One is legalizing prostitution and having them pay taxes. Another is taxing cat owners a $25. fee which could bring in 2 billion dollars of revenue nationally. Either way only a pussy can save us from Moody's giving us the boot.

http://hotair.com/archives/2011/07/14/possible-new-revenue-raiser-lets-tax-cats/

Raise the ceiling a brother approacheth

Repo man Wu Jintao at work.

Democrat Sheila Jackson Lee claims the only reason that Congress is making it difficult for Obama to raise the debt ceiling is because he's black*. This is in spite of the fact that he nearly ran up nearly 4 trillion on the nations credit card already. She might have a point though, after all how many brothers pay their bills on time anyway? You know I'm pretty sure I saw the repo man towing away air force one.

*http://thehill.com/blogs/floor-action/house/171807-sheila-jackson-lee-suggests-congress-complicating-debt-ceiling-because-obama-is-black

Beating a dead horse

Horses were being transported by an El Al cargo plane and arrived at Kennedy airport on Friday*. One of the them, a high value show horse was dead on arrival. There was concern since the flight originated from the Middle East as to whether he might have had explosives surgically implanted. The geniuses at the T.S.A. figured there was one way to find out.

Hold your ears fellas.

Update: A necropsy (post-mortem exam on non-human) is being performed by the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture. They must be a bunch of jackasses because they thought it was a drug mule.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2015207/Airport-officials-left-puzzled-carcass-dead-horse-worth-90-000-plane.html

Bee Jerky

A Queens N.Y. resident was given a $2,000. fine for failing to water his bees*. Is this some kind of crazy animal cruelty law I don't know about, and how did the inspector know the bees didn't have enough water? Maybe they were so dehydrated they turned into Bee Jerky.

*http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/07/14/un-bee-lievable-nyc-fines-man-2000-for-not-watering-his-hive/

Using your noodle

Niko Alm requested his drivers photo be taken with him wearing a macaroni strainer on his head because he is a Pastafarian. Austria allows the wearing of religious headgear for ID photos, and as a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster he meets the qualifications. He was originally attracted to the church because Pastor Ron Zoni really knows how to serve his congregation, and they offer ravioli instead of wafers for the Communion.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14135523

The bird brain of Alcatraz

A prison doctor in California earned over $777,000. last year*. The problem is he is mentally ill, was once fired for incompetence, and hasn't been allowed to treat a patient for 6 years because he might kill them. Have they ever considered he might actually be an inmate? It sounds like the psychos are running the insane asylum. The doctor is currently working in the mail room, but the prisoners are complaining he loses packages as often as he loses patients.

*http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-prison-doctor-20110713,0,5931598.story

Now a word from our sponsor

Hair Club Future Client

Television viewers watch an average of 20,000 commercials a year*. They should be reading and exercising, but it's important to know that if you take Viagra and have an erection lasting over 4 hours you should seek medical attention. So what do you do if it only last 3 hours, request a refund? At least I learned something from all those advertisements. After I visit the all you can eat burrito buffet I take Beano to keep my date from gagging. Thanks to Depends my bladder's drier than a Johnny Carson monologue. Preparation H soothes the unsightly itch and swelling of my hemorrhoids, and keeps me from being the butt of my friends jokes. Listerine takes care of my doggy breath, and Ban deodorant keeps me from smelling like I am homeless. All in all I am grateful commercials have improved my hygiene, and my friends are even more grateful. In fact after watching an infomercial for Hair Club for Men I am considering joining. They claim if I hurry and call before midnight they'll throw in nose and ear hair absolutely free.

*http://www.csun.edu/science/health/docs/tv&health.html

Rabbi Yurin Trubble

Rabbi Yurin Trubble

A prominent N.Y. Rabbi was caught on tape in bed with a prostitute. His wife Amora had hired a private investigator, and is now taking him to court to ask for sole custody of their children. She asked "Since when are prostitutes Kosher"? The Rabbi exclaimed what's wrong with paying a few shekels to have someone play with your shmekel?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2013542/Rabbi-Avraham-Rabinowich-caught-tape-bed-prostitute.html

Those wacki packi's

The name "Pakistan" means land of the pure, or of the spiritually clean in Urdu and Persian. It is only natural that they have banned websites that have been deemed offensive or blasphemous. So what do their citizens google when they are on the internet? In addition to the normal beheading, stoning, torture and anti-American video's they love their porn. Not just normal sex between man and women, but horse, donkey, rape, dog and animal sex in general. I never knew the "hump on a camel" was a reference to the owners intention.

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/07/12/data-shows-pakistan-googling-pornographic-material/

Jack in the box

It's common knowledge that most women tend to over pack when they travel. One woman who visited a prison appeared to be leaving with a much larger bag than the one she arrived with. Upon inspection it was found she tried to sneak her husband out in a suitcase. For his offense Jack will endure six months of solitary confinement in a slightly larger box. Damn, those overweight baggage fees are really extreme.

http://jammiewearingfool.blogspot.com/2011/07/mexican-man-attempts-prison-escape-in.html

Sunsually graphic material

A graph in U.S.A. Today has been generating some controversy lately. The thermometer with the bulb at the bottom looks like male genitalia, and the sun seems to be happily handling it in a provocative manner. While the chart depicts dangerous conditions that can lead to heat stroke, it subliminally implies that some strokes may be desirable. There should be a warning about prolonged exposure to this material. I am so hot I shot mercury all over the room.

Ka-boob

The U.S. is warning that terrorists might be surgically placing bombs in their body as a means of getting them onto planes*. Recently Pamela Anderson was stopped at LAX because her boobs had more plastic than C4 explosives. A security officer said bombs that big could level the airport. She said she didn't realize it was crooked.

*http://news.yahoo.com/us-warning-airline-plot-implant-bombs-people-162151314.html

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts

It is hard to imagine how the culture that brought us mathematics could not balance it's own checkbook. The result is that after years of profligate spending the Greeks have found themselves in a hole. No not that one, I was not referring to the sex act named after them. Perhaps that is why they use so much olive oil. Anyway I remember reading that once towering intellects like Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato were common amongst their people, but now their citizens are moronic, maniacal, anarchists who burn banks and riot in the streets. The Trojan horse led to a famous expression "beware of Greeks bearing gifts". Thanks to the bailout by the European Union, and International Monetary Fund that saying has changed to "gift bearing nations get Greeked".

Outmate

A prisoner is suing the jail for 50 million dollars for calling him an inmate. He is upset because it implies he is mating with other prisoners. Mating is defined as pairing of the opposite sex so I don't understand what his beef is. If he doesn't like the opposite sex he should drop the soap a little more often.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2010786/Convicted-killer-sues-jail-50-million-suit--calling-inmate.html

Tramp Champ



"Get thee to a nunnery"***.

Lisa Sparxxx is the worlds recordholder for having sex with 919 men in one day*. It brought to mind what Willy Shakes once said. "Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust into them"**.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisa_Sparxxx
**Paraphrased from Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare (Act II Scene 5).
***Hamlet (Act III. Scene 1)

Happy Dependence Day

I'd like to wish you all a happy Independence Day, but with all the government handouts it's more like Perpetual Dependence. As your watching the fireworks this evening consider that during the Revolutionary War when a soldier heard a bang and saw a flash he was likely having a ball of lead tear through his flesh. His health care was an untrained medic cutting off his limb with a rusty saw, his food stamps were some scraps he carried in a bag, his subsidized housing was a woolen blanket, and if he returned to civilian life and was unemployed the only thing he got was no job. He may have not had much, but he had faith, integrity, and love of his country. That's what makes America great, not Hopenchange. That sounds like a hashish shop in Denmark.

Hey buddy you got a light?

Olajide Olawaseun Noibi

A man with a University of Michigan identification card was allowed to board a flight at JFK airport*. Since when is that considered proper ID? Maybe next time I fly I'll try using my Costco membership card and see what happens. In addition he had an expired boarding pass, but at least his Al Quada health plan card was still valid. Coincidentally this man is from Nigeria, and so was Farouk Abdul Mutallab the underwear bomber. He was the guy that should have had his boxers removed instead of forcing a 95 year old wheelchair bound woman with Leukemia to remove her diaper**. These TSA agent must be idiots.  Even I get suspicious when somebody pulls down their pants, and says "hey buddy you got a light"?

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2009932/TSA-let-Nigerian-man-fly-New-York-LA-old-boarding-pass.html
**http://www.infowars.com/tsa-defends-forcing-elederly-leukemia-patient-to-remove-diaper/

Sorry Dick

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Livestock Made Global Warming

We've all heard about A.G.W. (man made global warming), but did you know about L.M.G.W. (livestock made global warming)? I am told the farts and belching of livestock is a large contributor to greenhouse gasses (no pun intended). The government in it's infinite wisdom tried to tax the emissions of these bovine gas bags*. Unfortunately no one was brave enough to install the monitoring devices. Well how about senior citizens? Older people seem to pass more gas because their digestive systems slow down as they age. How about charging them a tax for their contribution to global warming? What would the tax be called? How about the Federal Asset Recovery Tax, known as F.A.R.T. The E.P.A. would set limits and charges similar to taxing carbon emissions. The question is how would it be measured? Several proposals have surfaced. A specialized gas gauge was developed, except you would be charged for emptying your tank not filling it. What about a meter like they have in cabs? You would pay 2.50 for the first fart, and .25 each additional fart (no charge for waiting time between farts). How about a system like EZ pass called EZ gas. An electronic device would register every fart and electronically deduct the money from your account. Yes I am being facetious, but with a 14 trillion dollar deficit and growing this congress will be forced to tax us to death or until they have sucked all the air out of us. Already they are considering the V.A.T. (Value Added Tax). Who knows the F.A.R.T. may not be far behind (pun intended).

*http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28070487/ns/us_news-environment/t/tax-cows-hogs-passing-gas-burping/