Guitards

Beautiful axe, but where
are your papers?

The Feds raided the Gibson guitar factory and confiscated pallets of wood with the claim that they were illegally harvested*. This means your Les Paul can be confiscated, and you can be fined if you don't have the proper documentation. The really bizarre thing is that the Fish and Wildlife Dept. is conducting the investigation.  Shouldn't they be confiscating the Fender Mustang instead?

Updates: The Dept. of Justice has been accused of selling guitars to Mexican drug cartels who then converted them into bows and arrows and were shooting them at customs agents. The operation was called axewalker.
Homeland Security detained an undocumented ebony fingerboard at the border. Aliens were let through and escorted to the nearest Social Security office.
 

*http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111904787404576530520471223268.html 

Catatonic shock

Oh Shit, he's bigger than my dog!

A housing worker in Brooklyn killed a 3 foot rat*, and fire department hook and ladders were immediately dispatched to the scene. Why? How else are you going to rescue all the cats hiding in the trees?

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2030226/Housing-worker-kills-giant-rat-New-York-project.html

Dead Broke

Damn, Rahmen noodles again.

Illinois cannot afford to bury it's poor dead people due to it's budget problems*. The fact that they can't afford to feed their poor people may be the reason. I've heard Chicago's deficit is so bad their food banks only stock Rahmen noodles. 

*http://www.nbcchicago.com/blogs/ward-room/Why-Illinois-Cant-Afford-its-Dead-127534403.html?dr

The perfect storm



 Hurricane Irene is barreling up the East Coast with winds up to 100 m.p.h, and heading directly toward my apartment in Lower Manhattan*. In spite of the possible loss of life and billions of dollars in damages there are some who look on every disaster as "an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before"**. I guess by that they mean surfing 20 foot waves in the Hudson River, snorkeling the ruins of Wall Street, and catching striped bass from my 11th floor balcony. Some intelligentsia will see this as opportunity for stimulus spending. Maybe I can get in on that "cash for lunkers program***.

She looked taller in the photos.

*http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/hurricane_irene_carolina_path_toward_993RrKolrBSXAaTBOMi4YL
**Quote from Rahm Emanuel.
***A lunker is a large fish. This program does not exist, but it should.

Regulation irregularity

It sure beats walking

Our government has created more stupid rules, regulations, and laws than you can possibly imagine*. This is not a recent phenomenon, and has been going on for hundreds of years. For instance in Kentucky every citizen is required by law to take a shower once a year, and that's why Willie Nelson had to move to Alabama. In Mass. no gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car. I guess that means it's okay if they are in the front seat. In New Mexico females may not appear unshaven in public. They passed that law after they saw Madonna's center fold in Playboy magazine. In North Carolina it is illegal to sing off key. I hear Whitney Houston is eligible for parole in about fifty years. In Rhode Island you are not allowed to bite off any ones leg. That law was passed after police took a look in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator. In Utah it is illegal not to drink milk. Unfortunately for the lactose intolerant it is also illegal to fart in public. By some estimates all these bizarre laws that are still on the books would imprison at least 50% of the population. Apparently there must be a law banning common sense somewhere.

*http://www.stupidlaws.com/

Have you herd the news

The Dept. of Labor has come up with new rules and regulations for herding goats and sheep*. That's right, the U.S. has finally been returned to it's place of preeminence in the world. While others are developing sophisticated weapons, software programs, and electronics we are pioneering the field of goat herding, and only 2,000 years too late. The Dept. of Health will be issuing new guidelines for those who engage in intercourse with the herds as we already lead the world in sexual diseases. Some new public service billboards will feature slogans like; Always have a condom with ewe. Venereal disease is baaad, and don't tenderize the lamb till it's a chop. Some say the assholes in government have gone too far. I say they haven't gone far enough because they're still on this fucking planet!

I hope Obamacare covers
antibiotics.

* http://www.therightscoop.com/great-news-team-obama-setting-new-regulations-for-goat-and-sheep-herders/

Bird Brain

A Burbank businessman has been arrested for feeding pigeons. He may get up to 6 months in prison, and a $1,000. fine*. I have nothing against feeding these flying lab rats of bacterial plague, but I think this man deserves a nice long vacation in Gitmo. Feeding birds near an airport has to be the stupidest idea to come along since teaching Saudi's how to fly a jumbo jet, and skipping the lesson on how to land.




Mmm they must have had chicken for lunch, there's wings
everywhere

*http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bob-hope-pigeons-20110822,0,1666029.story

The Day After



A 5.9 magnitude earthquake hit the White House yesterday, but fortunately the President was off playing golf when it happened*. He immediately called his trusty Vice President to assess the damage. Joe said those damn tea party terrorists tried to blow up the capital. After finding out it wasn't a terrorist attack, but an earthquake Joe said oh those damn Chinese must be responsible. They're always drilling mines, and weakening the crust of the earth. I'm glad we stiffed them with those worthless treasury bonds. Now you know why the Chinese call him Shanghai Joe. 



The Day After. Earthquake or another
Hip Hop barbecue

*http://news.yahoo.com/quake-rocks-washington-area-felt-east-coast-181550612.html



Little green enviro monsters

A N.A.S.A. intern and two of his friends wrote a paper claiming aliens would kill us if we don't reduce our carbon emissions*. While the report was circulating a U.F.O. appeared in China, possibly because they are the worst polluter on the face of the planet. As it turns out the little green men just stopped to get some takeout moo goo gai pan. They had no choice since a trillion light years is outside the delivery area.



These noodles are heavenly

*http://hotair.com/archives/2011/08/18/bad-news-from-nasa-if-we-dont-reduce-carbon-emissions-the-aliens-might-come-and-kill-us/



Heavy petting

There is a new triple x (xxx) internet domain to be used for porno sites starting in December. Such URL's (uniform resource locators) would appear as mrsbuttersworth.xxx for instance. Already up to 900,000 parties have preregistered, some merely to prevent obnoxious individuals from using their names. For instance georgebush.xxx or dickcheney.xxx. Not to be outdone P.E.T.A.  (people for the ethical treatment of animals) will be launching their own porn site*. I'm not really sure how that will prevent the mistreatment of animals. Every knows the porno industry degrades, and abuses it's workers.

I'm gonna spank you, you dirty dog!

*http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2011/08/20/peta-launch-porn-site

Love thigh neighbor

Do you remember when 11 deep cover Russian spies were arrested*? One of their neighbors joked "how could they be spies when their hydrangeas were so beautiful"? Whether it's a Russian spy, a war criminal, or a mass murderer living next to you by the time the reporters show up you will be gushing "but they were so nice". So how can you know if a serial killer like John Wayne Gacy lives next to you? Thirty three people missing in your local area could be a warning sign. Strange odors might be another, and shoveling after dark should certainly set off an alarm. If you are a concerned citizen do not attempt to apprehend the dirt bag, that is a job for law enforcement. The truth is some people love thy neighbor, and others love to eat thy neighbor. I guess having you over for dinner isn't what it used to be.



Mmm, I'll have an open face sandwich for dinner

*http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/jun/29/russian-spies-suburban-america

Disarmed and dangerous

Who needs an air raid shelter when
you have a desk?

Fifty years ago we would practice air raid drills in school by hiding under our desks. I guess the prevailing wisdom was that atomic weapons could not penetrate square wooden objects. A theory that was thoroughly refuted after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Some teachers even asked the students to bring bedding to cover themselves for protection. During a nuclear war this would have been the equivalent of jumping into an active volcano and expecting to survive because you were wrapped in silk sheets. These days almost everyone is getting nuclear weapons, and for the most part they hate us. While we laugh at our naive attempt to avoid annihilation in the past at least we took it seriously. President Obama supports a policy that limits the U.S. using nuclear weapons under certain circumstances*. Having a weapon and telling your enemy you won't use it invites aggression doesn't it? Maybe we should go back to having drills and cowering under wooden objects. We may not survive, but crouching down will make it easier to kiss your ass goodbye.

*http://www.reuters.com/article/2010/04/06/us-nuclear-usa-announcement-idUSTRE6352YK20100406

Breaking ground for new jobs


The President continued campaigning in his custom made bus, and visited a factory created with stimulus funds in Massachusetts. He had hoped to lay out his plan to create new green jobs when the driver went left instead of right and crashed. Fortunately no one was hurt since the solar panel factory went out of business as soon as the stimulus funds ended*.

Sorry, this bus can only turn left

*http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/15/business/energy-environment/15solar.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

Yes dear

You good for nothing oaf!

A study of 3,000 people found that wives spend 7,920 minutes a year nagging their husbands*. The average nagging session lasts up to an hour, but to us men it seems like an eternity. For the wives it is time well spent as we cave as easily as Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed did when he got waterboarded. Actually I might prefer waterboarding to nagging at least it will cure my dehydration. Our only saving grace is the aging process. Already my hearing is diminishing so I only notice half the nagging I used to, and thanks to my wife's increasing forgetfulness she can't remember why she was nagging me in the first place. They say the old gray nag ain't what she used to be, but it ain't for lack of trying.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1287255/Wives-spend-days-year-nagging-husbands-study-shows.html

When economists attack

Paul Krugman suggested an alien attack would get us out of our economic slump*. After thoughtful analysis I agree because it would energize the building sector as people would be needing underground bunkers. It would also remove millions of foreclosures as whole neighborhoods would be devastated by advanced laser weaponry, and finally millions of dead people would be a boon for funeral parlors and cemeteries. Only a Nobel Prize winning economist could come up with a plan that is truly shovel ready.



We came to invade Paul Krugman's anus because
he always approves a stimulus.

http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2011/08/15/krugman-you-know-what-would-bring-us-out-of-this-economic-slump-an-alien-attack/

Raging Bull

An 1,100 pound Spanish bull named Raton has been credited with his third kill*. That's strange considering his owner gets $13,000. for each of Raton's performances which sounds like a professional hit if you ask me. When questioned about the bull's viciousness the owner said it was rumored Raton's girlfriend wound up medium rare on someones dinner plate.



Go away you horny devil



*http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/weird/Spains-Killer-Bull-Claims-Third-Victim-127724293.html

Weasels rip my flesh

Euro gonna get yours boy!

On 8/10 it was revealed that France would retain it's AAA rating. This angers me considering the U.S. was downgraded to AA+ status. I guess the rating agencies forgot that France received a loan from the U.S. during World War 1, and defaulted on it. Them Frenchies have a lot of DeGaulle weaseling out of their debts.

Accidentally on purpose

I love the excuses people give when they are in auto accidents*, like:
1) "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
It's true pedestrians are arrogant and purposely walk slow in order to dent your car. Then they go under it presumably to damage your engine, the nerve!
2) "I glanced at my mother in law and went over an embankment".
He probably hoped that by going over the embankment she would be thrown from the vehicle. The next time she needs a ride to the hospital call an ambulance!
3) "The pedestrian didn't know which way to run, so I ran over him".
I hate it when people run back and forth in front of moving vehicles. Its reminds me of the game called tag you played as a child. I guess the pedestrian is "it".
4) "I saw a slow moving old man as he bounced off the roof of my car".
I am really tired of these show off senior citizens. They have senior golf championships, old timer baseball games, and now senior gymnastics. What ever happened to playing chess in the park?

*http://hamill-law.com/massachusetts_car_accident_excuses.html

Plane stupidity

Bumfuck, Ne. Air Express service daily

Taxpayers are paying $4,107.00 for each unsold seat on small passenger planes flying into Las Vegas*. The residents claim it is a necessary cost to keep their small towns from disappearing because they are in the middle of the desert, and lack mass transit. Well if the residents are so concerned about a lack of transportation maybe they should board the next stagecoach, and high tail it out of Bumfuck Nevada!

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2025364/Taxpayers-paying-4-000-head-fly-passengers-middle-nowhere.html

And they called it puppet love

Fisting Friends

Since same sex marriage is legal in N.Y. Bert was finally able to propose to Ernie. Mayor Bloomberg will perform the ceremony at City Hall, and there are thousands expected to attend from the gay/lesbian community. There were questions about how they could consummate their marriage, but Bert said no problem. We've had a hand shoved up our behinds for 20 years.

http://hotair.com/archives/2011/08/11/hey-isnt-it-about-time-bert-and-ernie-got-gay-married/

Expect the unexpected

Ben Breakthebanke

Is it me or have you also noticed that the word "unexpected" is used a lot lately. For instance inflation rose 2.1% in the second quarter, unexpected. Unemployment rises to 9.2%, unexpected. Quarterly GDP estimated at 1.9% reduced downward to 1.3%, unexpected. Between the economists and the politicians there is a growing body of evidence that suggests these clowns don't have a clue as to what they are talking about. I guess that is the only thing to be expected.

Happiness is a warm gun.

In the wild west men had a special relationship with their handguns. They were strapped to their leg, always loaded, and ready for action. When a stranger moseyed into town it was evident you had a long barrel that meant business. Plugging that city slicker full of lead meant business was good. As a reward a visit to the local cathouse was in order. You could say the six shooter was an extension of the penis. It was always ready to be pulled out, aimed, and fired. Occasionally it failed to fire, (projectile dysfunction) or misfired causing embarrassment, (premature trigger syndrome). Far too many times it's accuracy was off causing the little lady to let out a shriek. After being spent it was wiped, cleaned, and returned to it's holster. Like a campfire in the cool evening happiness is a warm gun.

Mr Sandman

I'm thongelicious!

While America has been bombing Libya in hopes of ousting it's leader, Colonel Gaddafi was spotted vacationing in Miami Florida. He said he loves the sand as it reminds him of his homeland, and the babes are to die for. It's not hard to believe that U.S. intelligence has no clue he is here. They took 10 years to find Bin Laden when he was less than a mile from the Pakistani Military Academy, although the Bedouin tent on South Beach might just give Gaddafi away.

Breath taking

First the White House forced the University of Tennessee to stop selling breath mints featuring the Presidents image with the derogatory name "Dissapoint Mints" on it*. Then Obama told us it was time "to eat our peas" during the debt ceiling crisis**. I hate it when my breath tastes like pea, and I don't have a mint. This President sure leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

*http://www.politico.com/blogs/click/0811/Obama_mints_pulled_from_college_store.html?showall#
**http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2011/07/obama-says-its-time-to-eat-our-peas-and-reach-a-deal-on-the-deficit.html

Feminuts

I'm hanging mighty low

There is a new accesory for your vehicle called truck nuts. One owner 65 year old Virginia Tice was issued a $445.00 ticket because the police claimed they were obscene*. Personally I think they are hilarious, besides how many women do you know who can get banged in the rear, and her nuts at the same time?

*http://hotair.com/archives/2011/08/03/important-does-the-first-amendment-protect-truck-nuts/

Can you hear me now!

Choke you bastards!

Thanks to a federal government plan called the Universal Service Fund poor people will be getting cell phones with 250 minutes a month for free. Who exactly do poor people need to call? Not their boss cause they don't have a job. Not their stock brokers or travel agents. In fact they don't even need a phone because the F.C.C. will be giving them free broadband service so they can Skype their friends from their free laptops. Inevitably the cost will be shouldered by those of us who actually pay for our cell and broadband service. It appears someone lied when they said there is no free lunch, I can only hope they choked on it.

http://www.nypost.com/p/blogs/capitol/free_cell_phones_are_civil_right_htTMcKQFrjdvyl9A6NHPdP#ixzz1TrgxELho

Split atom soup

The atomic chef's mushroom surprise

The food network is a very popular cable show, and while us amateurs may try to prepare some of the more exotic recipes one lunatic was using his kitchen to try and split the atom*. I don't know what channel he got the recipe from, but the ingredients are radium, americium, and uranium. These components aren't exactly what you'd expect to find in an average spice rack. As to the kind of pot he was cooking them in, I hope it was double walled with a liquid cooling chamber surrounded by at least three feet of concrete. We all know that splitting atoms can lead to a nuclear reaction, which is even worse than having a pressure cooker explode. Fortunately the authorities discovered what the atomic chef was trying to do and had him arrested. He was released on his own recognizance with 10 hours community service volunteering in the local soup kitchen. Hopefully he will only be allowed to split peas.


*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2022333/Police-arrest-Swedish-man-tried-split-atom-KITCHEN.html

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Syphilis Street

I was in Downtown Manhattan and came across a street sign named the "People With Aids Plaza". I thought it odd, and then wondered why weren't their other streets named after sexually transmitted diseases like Chlamydia Lane, Herpes Ave, and Genital Wart Way? Recently there were some protests about "Seven in Heaven Way" a street named for 7 fallen firefighters of 9/11*. Apparently some felt "heaven" was a violation of the first amendment. I guess they forgot about all the cities named after Christian saints like St. Paul, or the city of angels, Los Angeles. I don't know about you, but I'd be proud to live on a block called Seven in Heaven Way. Only an asshole would live on Syphilis Street. 

http://newsblaze.com/story/20110707061318zzzz.nb/topstory.html

Stupor heroes part deux

This polyester outfit has got to go

Marvel comics has killed off the original spider man, and created a new one who is part black, Latino, and gay*. Diversity in the workplace is a good thing, but I am wondering what kind of disaster can a gay save you from? A wardrobe malfunction, mismatched window treatments, or stale quiche seem to be poor plot lines for an action hero. One thing is for sure, if Superman came out of a phone booth Spiderman will be coming out of a closet.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2021563/Marvel-Comics-reveal-new-Spider-Man-black-gay-future.html

The Brooklyn Hillbillies

A story surfaced over the weekend  concerning hillbillies living in Brooklyn's Prospect Park*. Apparently the miscreants were poaching wildlife, and cooking them over an open fire. Jethro Bodine was issued a ticket for illegal fishing and when questioned said "golly gee it's only cause there ain't no fish in the cement pond". His sister Elly May was arrested for crack possession, and her excuse was "everybody smokes crawdads, don't they"? Jed was arrested for discharging a firearm, and claimed he was looking for "black gold, Texas tea". Granny was the only one not taken into custody. Maybe because the police ran after they smelled her  homemade possum stew.



Jethro turn right at Park Slope

*http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/34/31/dtg_poachersbusted_2011_08_06_bk.html



Love Stinks

Walk through any park and you will see lovers holding hands and kissing. Me I'm thinking a murder suicide waiting to happen. You can relate to that can't you? C'mon how many of us haven't broken up with lovers who would rather see us buried up to our neck in fire ants, or hurtling headlong into the grand canyon. The fact is most violent murders and assaults occur between people in love. Remember Lorena Bobbit? She cut off her husbands penis and threw it out the car window. Nearly hit me while I was waiting for the bus. Ugh! How about the village butcher? He cut up his girlfriend and made soup out of her. Won an award for the recipe I'm told. Yes there is a thin line between love and hate. Not only is it thin, it is about as strong as wet toilet paper. Throw a life insurance policy in the mix and they'll be dead before the ink dries. Lots of people ask me "why does love start out so good and end so bad"? Well how do I know, I'm not a psychologist. Love stinks just like the song says.