Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dear Friends,


                 My blog has moved to www.beefblogonoff.com  Please bookmark and visit my new home on a regular basis. No gifts are required, although a cheesecake from Veniero's Bakery is not a bad idea. Blogger has been very good to me, but it's time to move out and get a place of my own. Sure the rent is high, but there's more disk space for the beefalo to roam.                                    
                                                                                        Yours truly,
                                                                                         Beef Blogonoff

Well give me a domain, with a URL I can name, and
the size of the storage is OK.



Vote with your feet

King Abdullah has granted Saudi women the right to vote*. This was probably the result of the many protests that have taken place in the Middle East recently. Unfortunately it is still illegal for women to drive which means they will be walking to the polls. This strange ruling is based on the belief that single women who drive may come into contact with mechanics and policemen and might be enticed into committing fornication. They are probably right considering how many women have lost their virginity parked on lovers lane. It also explains why I found grease and empty donut boxes in the back seat of my wife's car.
Only 20 more miles to the poll booth.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fgw-saudi-arabia-women-vote-20110926,0,7986169.story?track=rss

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Romeo and Monkeo

What would happen if you had millions of computerized monkeys banging the keys of virtual typewriters for 13 billion years? One scientist says they will have written the complete works of Shakespeare*. The "Infinite monkey theorem" had once been used to support evolution. In other words the same principle of random events could eventually produce life. But if the universe is only 13-14 billion years old as scientists believe, and life is much more complex than Shakespeare's works this proves the mathematical impossibility of life occurring by natural processes**. Apparently evolution has made a monkey of Darwin, not the other way around.
Can writers block last 13 billion years?


*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2042225/Has-team-monkeys-finally-written-complete-works-Shakespeare.html
** Evolutionists cannot agree on a mathematical probability for the origin of life.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Hey buddy, can you spare a job?

While unemployment is over 9% it may seem inappropriate to condemn those who are serious about fixing the problem. However, while protesting at Wall Street is a constitutional right I'd like to offer some tips.

1) Carrying signs that say "Capitalism Sucks" doesn't help. Just ask the unemployed in any Communist country.
2) Don't get arrested! Getting a job is hard enough without you assaulting an officer and having a rap sheet.
3) Don't get videotaped destroying private property. I don't know why, but employers frown on that sort of thing.
4) Don't attack C.E.O.'s at their home, and kidnap their children. Unless you want a job at the prison laundry.


This guy is hoping for an E.M.T. job

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Fast and Furious

In 1905 the theory of special relativity proposed that nothing could travel faster than the speed of light. That sounded reasonable considering the Wright brothers first flight in 1903 clocked in at 6.8 m.p.h., and the Ford Model T had a top speed of 45 m.p.h. Now researchers at the CERN lab have claimed they have recorded neutrinos travelling faster than 186,282 miles per second*. We are a nation obsessed with breaking speed records, and I can imagine NASCAR aficionados throwing tailgate parties around a particle accelerator while neutrinos accelerate faster than the speed of light. In fact it is not much different than a typical car race as both feature high speed projectiles, and explosions from matter colliding. Besides, the heat generated by smashing atoms means you could cook a slab of ribs faster than Dale Earnhardt Jr. crossing the finish line. Just perfect for that pre-race laboratory lot barbecue.
Red neck particle accelerator

   *http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/8783011/Speed-of-light-broken-by-scientists.htm                                                                        

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Next stop, nowhere

On 9/22 President Obama said "We're the country that built in the inter-continental railroad"*. I honestly have never heard of it, and wondered to which continent does it go. Considering the poor on time record of Amtrak it may be that it's just been delayed. I thought the mathematical formula of speed x time = distance may hold the answer, but it's more likely that I was waiting at the train station when my inter-continental ship came in.

Update: During his campaign for President, Senator Obama said "I've been in 57 states"*. The inter-continental railroad might be leaving from one of the states I've never heard of.
  
Damn I've got to be in Europe by Monday
*http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2011/09/obama-gaffe-jobs-act-speech-brent-spence-bridge-ohio.html

Friday, September 23, 2011

Stimulating talk

There is a saying that "a politician and our money are soon parted". Let's look at some provisions of the stimulus plan, and see how those fools waste our tax dollars.
$866,000. to figure out how to control flies in a stable. Haven't they ever heard of tails? Animals have been swatting flies off their asses successfully for centuries.
$951,500 for streetlights in Detroit. Thanks to all the boarded up, foreclosed homes the drug addicts need lights to see where they can score crack at night.
$476,000 for a museum to teach children how to fly. How about a museum to teach pilots how to fly instead? Two Northwest pilots flew 1+1/2 hours past the airport before realizing it.
$465 million for a F-136 jet engine. C.B.S. news claimed "it was not necessary and not affordable". How could an engine not be necessary for a jet? Because it already had one that worked!
$95 million dollars to research wood. I thought they figured that out years ago. No new products were developed. I guess they can use all the excess wood to make ventriloquist dummies. Hey George trim those damn fingernails!


Statistics provided by Citizens Against Government Waste http://www.cagw.org/

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Obama said unto the sea, peace, be still

In 2008 Senator Obama declared that his election would "cause the oceans to stop rising, and the planet to heal"*. Is this the narcissistic drivel of an ego maniacal mortal, or the revelation of a divine savior? In his defense N.A.S.A. claims global sea levels are a quarter of an inch lower than last summer. In my cynicism I would say "walk on water if you are truly god", preferably in the middle of the ocean. His swollen head would likely keep him from drowning, and he could probably propel himself all the way back to Kenya by wiggling those big ears. If he really desires to be worshiped as deity he should go to India. There they believe in a god named Ganesha who has the head of an elephant. Is it a coincidence they call this President O'Dumbo?
I hear all, and know all


*http://campaign2012.washingtonexaminer.com/blogs/beltway-confidential/promise-kept-sea-levels-fall-under-obama

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Hat trick

Abdullah the exploding Medulla
The ex-Afghan president was killed by a suicide bomber in Kabul on Tuesday* when a Taliban peace envoy impersonator was able to gain access to his home and detonate a bomb hidden under his turban. It's interesting to note that we had the shoe bomber who failed, then we had the underwear bomber who failed, and finally we had the turban bomber who succeeded. Well it's about time terrorists have finally started using their head for something useful, other than wearing soiled diapers.



*http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2011/09/20/201120_exafghanistan_president_burhanuddin_rabbani_killed_by_turban_bomb.html#ixzz1YW4MVWe6

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Zombie Paradise

That food court sucks!
There is a reason the horror movie "Dawn of the Dead" was filmed in a mall. It's the only place in the universe where brain dead people wander aimlessly for hours. It is also one of the few places where you can observe mannequins coming to life. Don't be alarmed, it's only men who appear to be dummies while their wives try on endless pairs of shoes. You may also find husbands acting insane and displaying symptoms of O.C.D. because they nod repetitively. This anomaly is usually cured by the swipe of a charge card. I believe the reason people spend so much time at the mall is because they mindlessly circle the same area over and over again. Scientists have confirmed that you can take a mouse with a brain the size of a bean, put him in a maze and he will successfully navigate it the very first time. Humans who visit the mall every weekend need to use the G.P.S. in their phones just to get from one end to the other. Some evolutionary advantage. You know it really is a shame that zombies always wind up at the mall as their nutritional needs require them to feed on human brains. This is the one place they'll surely starve.

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Recovery Act: Act II Scene I

Star of the new Broadway
musical "Hair".
The "green" technology show goes on in spite of solar panel company bankruptcies, and failed business models thanks to it's artful director President Obama. The next act opens with L.E.D. lighting being forced on the ignorant drones formerly known as American citizens*. Scientific studies indicate it causes psychological problems and excessive hair growth*. This will turn us into a nation of psychotic Neantherdals as hairy as a mutated Chia pet. The only upside is students who are graduating college can find work as barbers. Imagine running up thousands of dollars in student loans just to get a job shaving bigfoot. They call this the "Recovery Act", but this whole play is a bomb.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Tubular balls

And away go dollars down
the drain.

Solyndra was a manufacturer of tubular shaped solar panels, and as you know they have filed for bankruptcy after securing over 1/2 a billion dollars in loan guarantees from our government. I think the officials at the D.O.E. had a lot of balls approving tax payer dollars for a company to manufacture a product when "it cost them $6. to make a unit. They're selling it for $3. (and) In order to be competitive today, they have to sell it between $1.50-$2"*. My research indicates their design would have been better if the panels were funnel shaped like a toilet. It wouldn't have kept their business afloat, but it's great at flushing away money.

*http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2011/09/industry_analysts_have_been_questioning_solyndra_business_plan_for_years.html

Saturday, September 17, 2011

When websites attack

You report, I decide.
"Attack Watch" was set up by the Obama administration so that the lies, and smears, floating around about the President could be monitored, and the individuals reprogrammed by Media Matters. Some have likened this to 1930's Germany where citizens were urged to turn in their neighbors. Unfortunately many people have taken this as an opportunity to mock the Commander in Chief posting things like: He is so thin skinned he shaves with an eraser. He should be called the Condemner in Chief because he always blames everyone for his failures. His wife Michelle spends more time overseas than Roman Polanski. His administration saved or created millions of food stamp recipients. The Presidents Blackberry isn't a phone, it's a reference to his hemorrhoid. Someone even tweeted Ronald Reagan may have been a child actor President, but Obama is just a child acting President. "Attack Watch" is turning out to be the largest collection of jokes about the reigning O'Bumbleclot**. We may not get economic relief, but at least we'll get comedic relief. Take his wife-PLEASE!

*http://www.attackwatch.com/
**Bumbleclot is a Jamaican curse word.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Porn free

Click here to get charged up.
I don't know about you, but every time I do an internet search I come across porn (no pun intended). I constantly see erotic women saying "click here" which leads to an endless trail of pop ups asking you to sign up and pay, or so I am told. Anyway how much of the internet is porn? 30%, 50% or even more depending on who you ask. The fact is it is only about 4%,* but judging from my Mastercard bill it's at least 25%. Even worse they hassle me for money more often than my pissed off, alimony seeking, ex-wife.

http://techland.time.com/2011/09/13/how-much-of-the-internet-is-porn-less-than-youd-expect/

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Ramping up the deficit

Where else but in San Francisco could the local government spend $699,413. on a ten foot ramp for wheelchair accessibility? Board President David Chiu defended the project and said the cost is "significantly" lower than the 1.1 million dollar original plan*. WTF that's over 100k a foot. I thought the defense department spending $640. on a toilet seat was bad, but if our service men and women are going to put their ass on the line the least they deserve is a good seat.

*http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/08/29/BA7I1KMRO0.DTL
Hope that croc is wheelchair
accessible

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The coffee club

I'll take extra milk with mine.
Toby, over at real dumb news broke the story of a shop in Washington called Java Jugs where you get a lap dance along with your coffee*. Finally there is justification for those ridiculously overpriced cappucinos. Unfortunately the police have been cracking down on this lewd behavior, but I believe it is protected by the Declaration of Independence. I recall the lines "We hold these truths to be self evident...they are (well) endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights...(especially) the pursuit of (my) happiness". In fact there is no better way to wake up than with a hot cup of Joe and a pair of giant headlights beaming in your face. Now I know why deer freeze.  


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Chimpenomics

New Federal Reserve Chairman
Bubbles Bernanke
Scientists claim Capuchin monkeys understand the value of money*. Well I've heard of supply side economics, trickle down economics, and even experienced failed Obamanomics, but have never heard of Chimpenomics. Maybe humans aren't the only primates who could run the Federal Reserve, although a chimps concept of a deficit is having one banana short of a bunch. Ben Bernanke's concept of money is that it grows on trees, a coincidence? Me thinks not.


*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2032098/Monkey-nomics-Scientists-claim-capuchins-understand-using-money--sniff-bargain.html?ITO=1490

Monday, September 12, 2011

Free speech, imprisoned mind

As a resident of Manhattan, and someone who lost a family member on 9/11 I am angry when someone uses a tragedy for political gain. It should have come as no surprise that there would be protesters present during the 10th anniversary, but it was. Let's take a look at some of their statements from the video.
1) Billionaires fund racism.
I guess this means people can't afford to be racist unless someone pays them. Rich people invest in things that will return them a profit like buying politicians, but racism exists in the heart and the soul. You can't buy something unless it already exists, and if it's immaterial why pay for it? There was once a saying "the devil made me do it", now people are saying "the Koch brothers made you do it". How about a little responsibility?
2) Billionaires get rich off of war.
Well some do, but so do the people who have jobs manufacturing weapons, vehicles, and aircraft too. Some people even claim war is what got us out of the depression. With all the bailouts, tax loopholes, government contracts, insider information etc. billionaires will get richer anyway, and they cannot declare war! Only Congress can do that except when the President claims blowing up people isn't war.
3) Say no to anti-Muslim bigotry.
How about just say no to bigotry? Why are Muslims a protected class? Homeland Security considers Evangelical Christians more of a terrorist threat than Muslims, yet our bible says "love your neighbor as yourself". Contrast that with what the Koran says. People defile the bible, place a crucifix in a jar of urine, and call that art. There is no more hatred, and bigotry against any other group of people.

In conclusion there is enough blame to go around, but every man is responsible for his own actions. Only the weak minded can be easily deceived by evil, and then preach it as righteousness.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Sex by the numbers

Hey, we had an oral agreement..
A judge has ordered a Frenchman to pay his wife 10,000 Euros compensation for his failure to provide her with adequate sex*. Well I'm confused. If a man pays a woman to have sex with him it is illegal, but if he doesn't have sex with his wife it's illegal, and he has to pay her. According to this line of reasoning the only difference is that a wife is a documented prostitute, and the prostitute is an undocumented wife. Our country seems to be very lenient towards undocumented individuals lately, so maybe we should give them a break. Like Charlie Sheen says "Don't report them, support them"!**

Update: I am filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of all the men who have been denied adequate sex from their wives. The law office of Yank, Pullim, and Jerkem will be handling the case.


*http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/8741895/Frenchman-ordered-to-pay-wife-damages-for-lack-of-sex.html
** Charlie never said it, but I'm sure he thought it.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Mail order groom

Unsatisfaction guaranteed
For all you single women out there, websites are selling fresh semen online. It's not like getting a mail order groom, but the postage is definitely cheaper.




http://www.breitbart.com/article.phpid=CNG.8c1679d03ff42431ed3c880cf121d5ae.f1&show_article=1

Times up

Hope my time doesn't expire in the
middle of my session.
In Germany hookers need to pay a tax to ply their wares so some genius had meters installed in red light districts*. I was wondering if they do it in a parked car do they have to pay two meters?

*http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/01/world/europe/01germany.html

Friday, September 9, 2011

Emansculating

Thanks to metrosexuals we have mandals (mens sandals), mankini's (mens bikinis), and murses (mens purses). This insanity is so out of hand they are considering creating manxi thins, a maxi pad for men who suffer leakage from an infected prostate. I am so disgusted by all this I'm going to go cleanse myself with a Mansengill douche, put on my best Victoria's Secret silk manties, and then mansturbate.

Photo cropped due to
manstruation stains.
*http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111904900904576554380686494012.html?mod=WSJ_hpp_editorsPicks_2

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Ticket to ride

What ever happened to the long arm
of the law?

 A New Mexico state trooper was unknowingly photographed having sex with a woman on the hood of her car*. He had pulled her over for having a suspended panty, and then engaged in what appears to be improper use of a vehicle. His trusty K9 chihuahua helped to subdue the suspect and stood guard to prevent  her escape. The officer then gave her a ticket for a mechanical defect due to a leaky rear end, and left the scene of the grime.

Update: The officer in the picture was fired**. He
was a recipient of a "Challenge Coin" an award for going above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps he was saving her life from a vaginal itch that was killing her.

*http://www.kob.com/article/stories/S2261131.shtml?cat=500
**http://www.santafenewmexican.com/Local%20News/State-police-fire-cop-in-sex-tape

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Weekend warriors

It's okay, he's flatter than a pancake,
but there's no bullet wounds.
In N.Y.C. this past Labor Day weekend there were 67 people shot resulting in 10 deaths*. Which goes to prove that our idiot gangsta's can't shoot for shit, especially while their pants are falling down. Since everyone knows it is safer to be a moving target the morons in City Hall decided to to combat gun violence with new bike lanes. This way they figure you could pedal your ass off to dodge the hale of bullets. Now if they could only prevent the trucks from running us over it would really reduce the mortality rate.

*http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Labor-Day-Violence-New-York-City-shootings-129268118.html

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Deep in the heart of Texass

Looks like this pole is
being over taxed.

Governor Rick Perry of Texas has signed some new laws into effect*. One is that it is legal to shoot feral hogs from helicopters. Michael Moore immediately filed a lawsuit citing the hazard to his health. They also raised the state speed limit to 85 m.p.h. Since there are lots of highways near the border there is no way the illegals are making it across without being pulverized into Tex-Mex road chile. This sounds more like a policy to reduce immigration if you ask me. A really rotten law is if you plan on visiting a strip club you will have to pay a $5.00 tax. Some have referred to it as a pole tax, but I prefer to call it an uncover charge.

*http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/shooting-hogs-helicopters-fishing-hands-five-perry-approved-170245980.html

Monday, September 5, 2011

Oingo Boingo Obama

Uncle Onyango take your sister and get
back in the closet!
President Barack Obama's uncle Onyango a.k.a. Oingo Boingo Obama has been arrested for drunk driving outside the Chicken Bone Saloon in Framingham Mass*. Like the chicken bones that pile up after an all you can eat wings contest there appear to be a number of skeletons in Obama's closet as well. First his aunt is here illegally, and his uncle had a deportation notice against him. Rather than deporting aliens our government would rather deport jobs instead. How about enforcing the law, and putting a damn lock on that closet!

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2011/08/29/20110829obama-uncle-arrested-dui.html
Oingo Boingo has nothing to do with Onyango, it just sounds better than his real name.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

oK-Y bother

K-Y intense helps intensely
dried up prunes
K-Y jelly the lubricant for those sensitive areas has made a commercial featuring lesbians*. I always thought lubricant was for guys who were too selfish to bother with foreplay. It's understandable that age and health may be a factor in a women's normal ability to become lubricated, but I would have thought lesbians would have used an easily available organic remedy. But it's Ok, why bother with that when you can fool mother nature with K-Y.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2033294/K-Y-air-advert-featuring-lesbian-couple.html

Saturday, September 3, 2011

AfricAcorn

Acorn in Africa
President Obama's approval rating has sunk to a low of 38%*. I heard that Colonel Gadaffi had a higher approval rating and they blew up his compound, tried to kill his kids, and are forcing him to flee the country. He was offered safe haven by Robert Mugabe the President of Zimbabwe, and said if Obama needs asylum he is welcome also. It may not be Kenya, but it's still safer than Chicago. Besides they opened a new Acorn chapter and need a president.

*http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2011/08/gallup-fail-obamas-disapproval-rating-hits-all-time-high/

Friday, September 2, 2011

Arab Spring

The only spring I'm concerned with in the Middle East is the oil oozing out of the ground. The notion that true democracy is flowering in the desert is about as preposterous as planting a garden of thorns and thistles. It's useless except to the mindless dim wits who write for the mainstream media. Who is defending the  freedom for women, gays, and religious diversity? This movements only purpose is to substitute one hygienically deficient despot for another. Maybe they should try Irish Spring instead.

GETS RID OF STINKING DICTATORS!


Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Holy book of Al

Nature, the peer reviewed, world renowned science magazine has an article which points to the sun as the primary agent in controlling the climate on earth*. This common sense idea has been known by all peoples, in all places, throughout human history, except to the morons of this current generation.
*http://www.newsroomamerica.com/story/165340.html

and blubbering like a beached whale
 he gave up the ghost 8:17.
The Holy book of Al  7:22
Then Al, who was known by his followers as the messiah, was mocked, and scourged by the angry crowd who claimed he was a liar and a deceiver. They forced him to carry a solar panel on his shoulders and he was taken to a hill of his water view property to be crucified. With his last breath he cried out, my sun, my sun, why has thou forsaken me?


This story is fictitious and sarcastic. It does not promote violence or encourage it. It is not intended to be sacriligious, but point out the difference between a false prophet and the one true savior.
Beef Blogonoff

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Guitards

Beautiful axe, but where
are your papers?
The Feds raided the Gibson guitar factory and confiscated pallets of wood with the claim that they were illegally harvested*. This means your Les Paul can be confiscated, and you can be fined if you don't have the proper documentation. The really bizarre thing is that the Fish and Wildlife Dept. is conducting the investigation.  Shouldn't they be confiscating the Fender Mustang instead?

Updates: The Dept. of Justice has been accused of selling guitars to Mexican drug cartels who then converted them into bows and arrows and were shooting them at customs agents. The operation was called axewalker.
Homeland Security detained an undocumented ebony fingerboard at the border. Aliens were let through and escorted to the nearest Social Security office.
 

*http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111904787404576530520471223268.html 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Catatonic shock

Oh Shit, he's bigger than my dog!
A housing worker in Brooklyn killed a 3 foot rat*, and fire department hook and ladders were immediately dispatched to the scene. Why? How else are you going to rescue all the cats hiding in the trees?

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2030226/Housing-worker-kills-giant-rat-New-York-project.html

Monday, August 29, 2011

Dead Broke

Damn, Rahmen noodles again.
Illinois cannot afford to bury it's poor dead people due to it's budget problems*. The fact that they can't afford to feed their poor people may be the reason. I've heard Chicago's deficit is so bad their food banks only stock Rahmen noodles. 

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The perfect storm


 Hurricane Irene is barreling up the East Coast with winds up to 100 m.p.h, and heading directly toward my apartment in Lower Manhattan*. In spite of the possible loss of life and billions of dollars in damages there are some who look on every disaster as "an opportunity to do things you think you could not do before"**. I guess by that they mean surfing 20 foot waves in the Hudson River, snorkeling the ruins of Wall Street, and catching striped bass from my 11th floor balcony. Some intelligentsia will see this as opportunity for stimulus spending. Maybe I can get in on that "cash for lunkers program***.

She looked taller in the photos.
*http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/hurricane_irene_carolina_path_toward_993RrKolrBSXAaTBOMi4YL
**Quote from Rahm Emanuel.
***A lunker is a large fish. This program does not exist, but it should.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Regulation irregularity

It sure beats walking
Our government has created more stupid rules, regulations, and laws than you can possibly imagine*. This is not a recent phenomenon, and has been going on for hundreds of years. For instance in Kentucky every citizen is required by law to take a shower once a year, and that's why Willie Nelson had to move to Alabama. In Mass. no gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car. I guess that means it's okay if they are in the front seat. In New Mexico females may not appear unshaven in public. They passed that law after they saw Madonna's center fold in Playboy magazine. In North Carolina it is illegal to sing off key. I hear Whitney Houston is eligible for parole in about fifty years. In Rhode Island you are not allowed to bite off any ones leg. That law was passed after police took a look in Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator. In Utah it is illegal not to drink milk. Unfortunately for the lactose intolerant it is also illegal to fart in public. By some estimates all these bizarre laws that are still on the books would imprison at least 50% of the population. Apparently there must be a law banning common sense somewhere.

*http://www.stupidlaws.com/

Friday, August 26, 2011

Have you herd the news

The Dept. of Labor has come up with new rules and regulations for herding goats and sheep*. That's right, the U.S. has finally been returned to it's place of preeminence in the world. While others are developing sophisticated weapons, software programs, and electronics we are pioneering the field of goat herding, and only 2,000 years too late. The Dept. of Health will be issuing new guidelines for those who engage in intercourse with the herds as we already lead the world in sexual diseases. Some new public service billboards will feature slogans like; Always have a condom with ewe. Venereal disease is baaad, and don't tenderize the lamb till it's a chop. Some say the assholes in government have gone too far. I say they haven't gone far enough because they're still on this fucking planet!
I hope Obamacare covers
antibiotics.

http://www.therightscoop.com/great-news-team-obama-setting-new-regulations-for-goat-and-sheep-herders/

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Bird Brain

A Burbank businessman has been arrested for feeding pigeons. He may get up to 6 months in prison, and a $1,000. fine*. I have nothing against feeding these flying lab rats of bacterial plague, but I think this man deserves a nice long vacation in Gitmo. Feeding birds near an airport has to be the stupidest idea to come along since teaching Saudi's how to fly a jumbo jet, and skipping the lesson on how to land.



Mmm they must have had chicken for lunch, there's wings
everywhere
*http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-bob-hope-pigeons-20110822,0,1666029.story

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Day After


A 5.9 magnitude earthquake hit the White House yesterday, but fortunately the President was off playing golf when it happened*. He immediately called his trusty Vice President to assess the damage. Joe said those damn tea party terrorists tried to blow up the capital. After finding out it wasn't a terrorist attack, but an earthquake Joe said oh those damn Chinese must be responsible. They're always drilling mines, and weakening the crust of the earth. I'm glad we stiffed them with those worthless treasury bonds. Now you know why the Chinese call him Shanghai Joe. 

The Day After. Earthquake or another
Hip Hop barbecue
*http://news.yahoo.com/quake-rocks-washington-area-felt-east-coast-181550612.html


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Little green enviro monsters

A N.A.S.A. intern and two of his friends wrote a paper claiming aliens would kill us if we don't reduce our carbon emissions*. While the report was circulating a U.F.O. appeared in China, possibly because they are the worst polluter on the face of the planet. As it turns out the little green men just stopped to get some takeout moo goo gai pan. They had no choice since a trillion light years is outside the delivery area.

These noodles are heavenly


Monday, August 22, 2011

Heavy petting

There is a new triple x (xxx) internet domain to be used for porno sites starting in December. Such URL's (uniform resource locators) would appear as mrsbuttersworth.xxx for instance. Already up to 900,000 parties have preregistered, some merely to prevent obnoxious individuals from using their names. For instance georgebush.xxx or dickcheney.xxx. Not to be outdone P.E.T.A.  (people for the ethical treatment of animals) will be launching their own porn site*. I'm not really sure how that will prevent the mistreatment of animals. Every knows the porno industry degrades, and abuses it's workers.
I'm gonna spank you, you dirty dog!
*http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2011/08/20/peta-launch-porn-site

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Love thigh neighbor

Do you remember when 11 deep cover Russian spies were arrested*? One of their neighbors joked "how could they be spies when their hydrangeas were so beautiful"? Whether it's a Russian spy, a war criminal, or a mass murderer living next to you by the time the reporters show up you will be gushing "but they were so nice". So how can you know if a serial killer like John Wayne Gacy lives next to you? Thirty three people missing in your local area could be a warning sign. Strange odors might be another, and shoveling after dark should certainly set off an alarm. If you are a concerned citizen do not attempt to apprehend the dirt bag, that is a job for law enforcement. The truth is some people love thy neighbor, and others love to eat thy neighbor. I guess having you over for dinner isn't what it used to be.

Mmm, I'll have an open face sandwich for dinner
*http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/jun/29/russian-spies-suburban-america

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Disarmed and dangerous

Who needs an air raid shelter when
you have a desk?
Fifty years ago we would practice air raid drills in school by hiding under our desks. I guess the prevailing wisdom was that atomic weapons could not penetrate square wooden objects. A theory that was thoroughly refuted after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Some teachers even asked the students to bring bedding to cover themselves for protection. During a nuclear war this would have been the equivalent of jumping into an active volcano and expecting to survive because you were wrapped in silk sheets. These days almost everyone is getting nuclear weapons, and for the most part they hate us. While we laugh at our naive attempt to avoid annihilation in the past at least we took it seriously. President Obama supports a policy that limits the U.S. using nuclear weapons under certain circumstances*. Having a weapon and telling your enemy you won't use it invites aggression doesn't it? Maybe we should go back to having drills and cowering under wooden objects. We may not survive, but crouching down will make it easier to kiss your ass goodbye.

*http://www.reuters.com/article/2010/04/06/us-nuclear-usa-announcement-idUSTRE6352YK20100406

Friday, August 19, 2011

Breaking ground for new jobs


The President continued campaigning in his custom made bus, and visited a factory created with stimulus funds in Massachusetts. He had hoped to lay out his plan to create new green jobs when the driver went left instead of right and crashed. Fortunately no one was hurt since the solar panel factory went out of business as soon as the stimulus funds ended*.
Sorry, this bus can only turn left
*http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/15/business/energy-environment/15solar.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Yes dear

You good for nothing oaf!
A study of 3,000 people found that wives spend 7,920 minutes a year nagging their husbands*. The average nagging session lasts up to an hour, but to us men it seems like an eternity. For the wives it is time well spent as we cave as easily as Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed did when he got waterboarded. Actually I might prefer waterboarding to nagging at least it will cure my dehydration. Our only saving grace is the aging process. Already my hearing is diminishing so I only notice half the nagging I used to, and thanks to my wife's increasing forgetfulness she can't remember why she was nagging me in the first place. They say the old gray nag ain't what she used to be, but it ain't for lack of trying.

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1287255/Wives-spend-days-year-nagging-husbands-study-shows.html

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

When economists attack

Paul Krugman suggested an alien attack would get us out of our economic slump*. After thoughtful analysis I agree because it would energize the building sector as people would be needing underground bunkers. It would also remove millions of foreclosures as whole neighborhoods would be devastated by advanced laser weaponry, and finally millions of dead people would be a boon for funeral parlors and cemeteries. Only a Nobel Prize winning economist could come up with a plan that is truly shovel ready.

We came to invade Paul Krugman's anus because
he always approves a stimulus.
http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2011/08/15/krugman-you-know-what-would-bring-us-out-of-this-economic-slump-an-alien-attack/

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Raging Bull

An 1,100 pound Spanish bull named Raton has been credited with his third kill*. That's strange considering his owner gets $13,000. for each of Raton's performances which sounds like a professional hit if you ask me. When questioned about the bull's viciousness the owner said it was rumored Raton's girlfriend wound up medium rare on someones dinner plate.

Go away you horny devil


Monday, August 15, 2011

Weasels rip my flesh

Euro gonna get yours boy!
On 8/10 it was revealed that France would retain it's AAA rating. This angers me considering the U.S. was downgraded to AA+ status. I guess the rating agencies forgot that France received a loan from the U.S. during World War 1, and defaulted on it. Them Frenchies have a lot of DeGaulle weaseling out of their debts.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Accidentally on purpose

I love the excuses people give when they are in auto accidents*, like:
1) "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
It's true pedestrians are arrogant and purposely walk slow in order to dent your car. Then they go under it presumably to damage your engine, the nerve!
2) "I glanced at my mother in law and went over an embankment".
He probably hoped that by going over the embankment she would be thrown from the vehicle. The next time she needs a ride to the hospital call an ambulance!
3) "The pedestrian didn't know which way to run, so I ran over him".
I hate it when people run back and forth in front of moving vehicles. Its reminds me of the game called tag you played as a child. I guess the pedestrian is "it".
4) "I saw a slow moving old man as he bounced off the roof of my car".
I am really tired of these show off senior citizens. They have senior golf championships, old timer baseball games, and now senior gymnastics. What ever happened to playing chess in the park?

*http://hamill-law.com/massachusetts_car_accident_excuses.html

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Plane stupidity

Bumfuck, Ne. Air Express service daily
Taxpayers are paying $4,107.00 for each unsold seat on small passenger planes flying into Las Vegas*. The residents claim it is a necessary cost to keep their small towns from disappearing because they are in the middle of the desert, and lack mass transit. Well if the residents are so concerned about a lack of transportation maybe they should board the next stagecoach, and high tail it out of Bumfuck Nevada!

*http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2025364/Taxpayers-paying-4-000-head-fly-passengers-middle-nowhere.html

Friday, August 12, 2011

And they called it puppet love

Fisting Friends
Since same sex marriage is legal in N.Y. Bert was finally able to propose to Ernie. Mayor Bloomberg will perform the ceremony at City Hall, and there are thousands expected to attend from the gay/lesbian community. There were questions about how they could consummate their marriage, but Bert said no problem. We've had a hand shoved up our behinds for 20 years.



http://hotair.com/archives/2011/08/11/hey-isnt-it-about-time-bert-and-ernie-got-gay-married/

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Expect the unexpected

Ben Breakthebanke
Is it me or have you also noticed that the word "unexpected" is used a lot lately. For instance inflation rose 2.1% in the second quarter, unexpected. Unemployment rises to 9.2%, unexpected. Quarterly GDP estimated at 1.9% reduced downward to 1.3%, unexpected. Between the economists and the politicians there is a growing body of evidence that suggests these clowns don't have a clue as to what they are talking about. I guess that is the only thing to be expected.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Happiness is a warm gun.

In the wild west men had a special relationship with their handguns. They were strapped to their leg, always loaded, and ready for action. When a stranger moseyed into town it was evident you had a long barrel that meant business. Plugging that city slicker full of lead meant business was good. As a reward a visit to the local cathouse was in order. You could say the six shooter was an extension of the penis. It was always ready to be pulled out, aimed, and fired. Occasionally it failed to fire, (projectile dysfunction) or misfired causing embarrassment, (premature trigger syndrome). Far too many times it's accuracy was off causing the little lady to let out a shriek. After being spent it was wiped, cleaned, and returned to it's holster. Like a campfire in the cool evening happiness is a warm gun.